I always thought the magician was weak. Those who think of magic or those who roleplay to have magic are always weak. Some hidden power maybe, but pathetic everywhere else. I feared this label. Then I stopped fearing it. I realized the labels were lies by the tyrants.
I have learned in blood that the magician cannot and must not be weak. What you cast will always be used against you. Value your ability and stop equating yourself. You've always struggled with self image and confidence, it's why you weren't chosen to wield a "real" weapon. If you persist with this fear the magic you cast will only be used in service of the powerful, the nihilistic, and the immoral. It is time to take it all back. Will power into something kinder, yet strong, empathetic, yet fierce. Learn the violence of magic. It tears blood from skin and marrow from bones.
Construct something this time that makes good on your dreams and protect it.